Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
