Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
