I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
