Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
