How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
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When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
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I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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