her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
