some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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