It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
