why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
