Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
