dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
