Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
