Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
