Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
