He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
