Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
