Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
