You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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