We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
