guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
