you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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