after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
