On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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