You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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