How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
