Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize