There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
