My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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