Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
