3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
