I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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