Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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