We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
