I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
