Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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