fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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