That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
