all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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