I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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