I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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