It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
