im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
