And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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