If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
a search helicopter?!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
