Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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