I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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