Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
