you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
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