i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
All the doctor said was why
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
