I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
