Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
