I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
