I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
