you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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