I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
