I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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