when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
