Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
