The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
