The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
