I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
