your thong is hanging out like whoa
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
