my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
