so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
