If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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