i think my tv is drunk
Apparently you make a good broom.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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