If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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