Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
